The Perfect D&D Movie Already Exists

 And it's not the one with Jeremy Irons, either.

Well, it finally happened. The fabled D&D movie is finally out of development hell. I'm sure you've already seen the news about Honor Among Thieves, and no doubt a considerable amount of both praise and excitement and terror and disgust alike.

For my part, I'm not going to watch it.

You might have already realized this from my previous post on the subject, but I'm not the biggest fan of TRPGs having official tie-in fiction. When I got into D&D, what drew me to it was its potential to spark the imagination and to tell stories like the ones that inspired me - fairy tales, folklore, mythology, and classic fantasy. The rules were just a framework to build off of, and every DM had the potential to make the story and the setting their own.

But that doesn't sell in the age of cinematic universes. I'm afraid that what we're going to get is just going to be some generic fantasy flick with the D&D name slapped on it because Wizards desperately wants to be Marvel, and if the movie proves a success we're only going to get more of that. I already feel like the way the lore has been handled in 5e is pivoting away from promoting the limitless potential of the game in favor of turning it into one other appendage of the Forgotten Realms metaplot. And if new players come to D&D because they want to be Drizzt or Elminster or Chris Pine instead of wanting to be Odysseus or Robin Hood or Bilbo Baggins, all we're going to see is the snake eating its tail, and the "official" D&D promoted by Wizards will grow more and more corporate, self-referential, and uninspiring. No amount of morbid curiosity I might have is going to make me put my box office dollars toward making that a reality.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. If we're going to talk about D&D movies, I would say that we don't need one. And not just because it's going to give people ideas of what D&D should and shouldn't be - but because it already exists.

The Princess Bride is a 1987 fantasy action-adventure comedy film based on the 1973 novel of the same name. You've probably already heard of it. Chances are that even if you haven't seen the movie you can already quote at least half of it (I certainly could, before I saw it for the first time during a college movie night that ingrained it in my mind for the rest of my life). Pretty much every line has become iconic, and been quoted at gaming tables and in forum signatures around the world. It's one of those movies.

It's also, out of every work of fiction I've seen, the one that most resembles a tabletop RPG campaign.

Think about the last RPG session you've been in. What was the mood at the table? Chances are that - even if the characters were facing a serious matter of life and death - everyone was joking around, quoting memes established among the group, and mocking the DM's decisions about the plot (hopefully in a good-natured way). The Princess Bride carries this tone throughout. There are jokes woven throughout the movie, through its witty dialogue and its meta-humor poking fun at the tropes of the swashbuckling period pieces that came before it. There are memorable running gags threaded through the narrative. There's a fourth-wall-breaking frame story about the story being read by a grandfather to his grandson, with occasional cutaways to the grandson urging that the boring parts be skipped over or questioning inconsistencies. Many of their asides would hardly be out of place at a gaming table.

But that doesn't mean that The Princess Bride is a cynical deconstructionist screed about how people who enjoy this kind of thing are actually idiots. It has a heart and soul that makes it enjoyable for what it is. And it knows exactly when to take itself seriously, and when to give the plot real weight and stakes. Just like even the most irreverent gaming group should still have an investment in the story being told and the characters they're portraying, The Princess Bride treats its narrative with respect, and when the Dread Pirate Roberts overcomes the obstacles in his way to defeat his foes and rescue the princess, we root for him the way we would a Luke Skywalker or a John McClane.

Human Swashbuckler, Halfling Assassin, Goliath Barbarian.
Not pictured: the other Human Swashbuckler.

Even the core cast of The Princess Bride feels like a D&D party in the hands of a good DM. Each character is very different, with their own unique personality, concept, and goals. Westley wants to marry Buttercup. Inigo wants revenge for the murder of his father. Fezzik is going along for the ride, but discovers friendship among his companions along the way. It feels as though they were developed by different people, much like how each player in a group brings their own perspective and wants to their characters. But in the end, each character gets their arc paid off in a way that feels satisfying and earned. The writer, much like a skilled DM, was able to weave each character's personal backstory and motivations into the quest, giving them all a reason to be together and making their journeys seem worthwhile. Even if Wesley is the main character, everyone else sees their arc paid off too. It's actually done better in this regard than some of the campaigns I've seen, and DMs would be wise to take note.

Hell, it's even a plot point that when one of the party members hits 0 HP, they need to find a healer to bring him back to life. Sure, I don't like resurrections being easy in my games (and, to The Princess Bride's credit, this is handled as an admittedly off-screen sidequest, which is more to my liking) - but when's the last time you saw that happen in something that wasn't an RPG?

In short, The Princess Bride does the one thing I would want out of a D&D movie: it feels like you're watching someone's D&D campaign. And that's something I feel gets left out of many discussions on the subject. Sure, you could make a generic fantasy yarn and throw in a beholder or namedrop Waterdeep, but that's not a D&D movie. That's a Forgotten Realms movie. And the trappings (and trademarks) aren't enough to capture the true tabletop experience.

You Should Have Your PCs Get Captured More

Art by Douglas Shuler

There's been much debate among certain circles in the TRPG world about how to handle PC mortality, and there are good arguments as to both sides. A game in which the main characters can't ever die or be in serious danger runs the risk of becoming boring if there are no consequences that feel like they matter, and if the decisions of players can't impact the narrative and the setting it ceases to be a game. On the other hand, many players can find it frustrating to put work into making a character and having them unceremoniously killed off, especially if it's due to a few unlucky rolls - and if the DM has their own plans for what they want to have happen to a character, they can be disappointed if the dice ruled they would die before their time.

There's one solution I find makes for a good middle ground in between the two extremes, and as an added bonus, it has its own potential that character death doesn't. I don't think enough DMs do it. When PCs hit 0 HP (or the equivalent), consider having them be captured instead of killed.

There are a number of reasons this is appealing:

1. It provides risk without being overly punishing

As I've outlined earlier, there are good arguments for and against high-mortality gameplay. Endangering the life or wellbeing of the PCs helps create a sense of stakes and makes players feel like their decisions matter, but if characters are dying left and right, it can become more tedious than engaging. Obviously, different groups will have different opinions on this. There might be some groups who don't mind a lot of character death, especially if the process of making a new character is quick and simple in the system they're using, or if they have others as backups so that they can resume playing on short notice. However, if your players aren't as willing to let their characters die so freely, having their enemies capture them instead is a good alternative.

This might be a bit excessive, though

Capturing a defeated PC has consequences. They're taken out of the action. They're unable to complete their current task, as long as they're imprisoned. They may be severely restricted if they lose access to their gear or abilities. They may still face execution at a later date, depending on the situation. However, unlike death, imprisonment isn't permanent. A player can go back to using their captured PC after they're freed (or even before - see below). It carries the best of both worlds without the drawbacks.

2. It's more realistic

Well, sometimes it's more realistic. This is obviously going to depend on the situation. A PC who fell into a pit of molten lava obviously isn't going to be a viable captive, and if you're struck down by wild beasts you're more likely to be eaten on the spot. But if you're facing intelligent foes, like a tribe of orcs - or better yet, intelligent foes that have reasons to take you alive, like the guards of a castle you're breaking into - it might even make more sense to have defeated PCs captured as opposed to killing them.

Think about what enemies you're using in the scenario, and what they want. Perhaps the PCs have (or may be suspected to have) information that their opponents would stand to benefit from, making them more valuable if they're around to interrogate. Perhaps they're out for cash, and they feel that the rest of the party would be willing to pay for their comrades' release.

In medieval Europe, many enemies - nobles, especially - were seen as worth more alive than dead, as if they were captured on the battlefield they could be held for ransom. At certain times, this was an even greater source of revenue for armies than looting enemy treasure was. You may find that in certain situations in your games, the same could hold true; it could even be an opportunity for worldbuilding if you use it to expand on the culture behind ransoms and hostage-taking and how it works in your setting. Even more so if there are different factors that can impact the role of ransoming - certain factions may have such hatred for others that they would see no worth in bargaining with them, or they may refuse ransom, as in the case of the Knights Templar, who believed that dying at the hands of enemy captors was more honorable than being bought - and thus, were more likely to be executed because their captors knew ransoming wouldn't work. Perhaps certain paladins could be the same way.

For that matter, this helps you expand on the motivations and morals of the enemies. Do they have something to gain from ransoming? Are they opposed to killing, for whatever reason? Considering such things about enemy factions makes them seem more deep and realistic instead of just a bunch of assorted statblocks to kill.

3. It allows for rescue missions

Take a moment to think about your favorite stories, and consider how many of them use rescuing a captured ally as a plot point. Some of the most iconic movies focus on this, from Star Wars to Saving Private Ryan. The trope of the brave knight saving the princess from a tower is firmly entrenched in fairy tales and folklore. Practically every video game in the 80s dealt with this in some way or another. But, for whatever reason, in my experience this isn't very common in TRPGs.

Who hasn't wanted to do this?

Yes, you could have an NPC captured and send the party on a quest to rescue them. But if it's some random NPC, the players might not have much reason to care. It's a different matter entirely if it's their trusted companion they're fighting to save! If you want your players to experience the thrill of sneaking behind enemy lines, executing a daring rescue, and escaping with their quarry in tow, it can add an entirely new dimension of personal investment and interest if the party knows the victim well - it can even allow you, as a DM, to build on relationships between the PCs, or exploit them for drama if they've already formed.

Of course, DMs should use caution with this one. Not all players are going to enjoy their character being sidelined and not being able to do much about it. Which brings me to my next point...

4. It allows for escapes

Suppose a PC has been kidnapped by their opponent after being bested in combat. They wake up locked in a cell without their equipment, perhaps with a jailer taunting them on the way by. What are they to do now? Maybe the rest of the party is trying to rescue them - but that doesn't preclude them trying to get out on their own, either.

Allowing a PC to escape capture can be a lot of fun. If their captors are smart, they're not going to let them keep weapons, armor, or other items, and they may even restrict the use of magic, too. That offers a lot of opportunities for creative thinking - you can now challenge your players to think about how they'd escape such a situation, without falling back on the stuff on their character sheets. If you have players who have trouble thinking outside the box, this can be a good way to challenge them, as well as to showcase the potential of an open-ended RPG. It can also force the characters to operate alone if they don't have their fellow party members around to bail them out, adding an extra complication.

The Crimson Room

There's plenty of puzzles to solve and challenges to overcome that can fit in a single-room setting. Look at the popularity of escape rooms, or the adventure games that inspired them. If you have a PC get captured, you can effectively design your own escape room to challenge the player with. But don't get locked down in designing a single way out, as many escape rooms use. Your players will often surprise you with the solutions they come up with, and that's something I like to reward.

For extra fun, you can combine this with the previous point. Perhaps a PC is breaking out of their cell at the same time their allies are on the way to rescue them, and they end up running into each other halfway!

Overall, I think there's a lot of arguments that can be made as to the potential of having PCs be captured rather than killed. Next time you run a game, you may want to give them some thought.

Gods of the Lunar Lands

We've talked enough about theory in the last few posts. It's time for another setting post - and today, I'm going to be talking about the pantheon of my setting. Before we begin, a few notes about how I handle religion in my games.

• The way religion works is generally in the Roman model. There are innumerable gods out there, representing just about every concept imaginable, but the popular cults tend to revolve around a select few with commonly applicable or useful domains. The gods are in effect personifications of the driving forces behind reality, embodying all aspects of creation.
• Beyond the popular cults, however, there are many examples of petty gods dedicated to trivial things, local deities, deified ancestor figures taken from Old Faith traditions, saints venerated within the cults of the gods, and the like. These things are not mutually exclusive.
• I try to portray a religion that is truly polytheistic, rather than henotheistic. There are temples and cults that are dedicated to a singular patron god, but the majority of people will venerate all of them. Even a cleric of Kerne will understand that an offering to Olmo is a good idea when preparing for a sea voyage.
• The way religion is practiced takes influence from Roman and Germanic paganism. Sacrifices of crops and livestock are common, and most people have a small household shrine to offer to the gods watching over their families. The most common sacrifices for each god are listed below.
• Aesthetically, I like to imagine clerics and temples taking inspiration from the Eastern Orthodox Church, if for no reason other than that it's so much lesser-used compared to Catholicism (and I say this as a Catholic). Besides, onion domes are cool.

You also can't convince me these monks don't look like fucking wizards.

• There aren't such things as racial deities in my setting, nor are there pantheons unique to certain regions. While traditions will obviously differ from place to place, and while certain gods may be more popular in different areas than others, the prayers of the faithful are all generally going to the same beings regardless of what or where they are. Dwarves, for instance, largely worship Weyland, and orcs worship Kerne and Morthanos, but they do so with their own rituals and their own names. This is more akin to how ancient polytheists viewed religion - there are records of correspondence between two Roman theologicians arguing other whether or not the God of the Jews was Jupiter or Saturn. I feel like this is a fun concept that makes pantheons seem more cohesive, like they belong in the world, rather than being made up for a game. That's something that's important to me.

Now, keep in mind, Pantheonism is only one religion in the Lunar Lands. Other traditions exist too, most notably Elementalism (the faith of Quel'Ahma that reveres the four elements as cosmic forces), the Old Faith (a mix of animism, ancestor worship, and a few cults of ancient gods mostly practiced by elves, druids, and hillfolk), and the mystic traditions of the Covered Path and its dervishes. I will discuss those at a later date, but the subject of this post will be on some of the most widespread cults to the Divine Forces.

Game stats here are given for 5e, but the lore should be system-neutral. Note that these are simply guidelines on how to represent members of each cult in games. It is not impossible, for instance, to play as a Voltanite paladin with the Oath of Conquest, but this may be rarer than paladins of other oaths.

Voltan is the God of Kings and King of Gods - the chief deity of the pantheon, and also the god of law, honor, and governance. He is invoked in trials and ordeals, with courts often held at his temples, and it is believed that he should guide each king and noble to act in accordance with his code of just rulership, giving back to those who honor their leader in return.

• Voltan's symbol is a crown, sometimes crossed by a sword with the balance of a scale as its crossguard. His associated color, used on the vestments of his priests and the domes of his temples, is gold.
• The center of Voltan's cult is the Holy City of Lescatie, and it is for this reason it is considered the most important cult center of all. It is led by Matriarch Wilmarina I, whose political clout rivals that of the Emperor.
• Alignment: Lawful Good
• Domains: Order, Unity
• Oaths: Crown, Heroism, Vengeance
• Sacrifices: Gold, incense, cattle, wine

Marseah is the Goddess of Mercy, Healing, and Hospitality. The teachings of her cult stress kindness and generosity to others, and her faithful train in the arts of healing both mundane and magical. One of the most popular deities, she is the wife of Voltan.

• Marseah's symbol is a pair of hands clasped in a gesture of prayer. Her associated color is white.
• The center of Marseah's cult is the city of Heidenheim in Vardessy. It is led by Matriarch Hildegarde III.
• Alignment: Neutral Good
• Domains: Life, Peace
• Oaths: Devotion, Redemption
• Sacrifices: Incense, candles

Torvald is the God of Protection and Boundaries. A liminal deity, he stands in defense of the borders between this world and those beyond, and is thus associated with the banishment of evil and lifting curses, though he also is the patron of those who build walls and guard castles and cities.

• Torvald's symbol is a key fashioned of silver, as it is believed that he blessed silver as his holy metal and imparted it with the ability to repel the unnatural. His associated color is also silver.
• The center of Torvald's cult is the city of Torvaldshaupt in Vardessy. It is led by Patriarch Ulrich II.
• Alignment: Lawful Neutral
• Domains: Protection
• Oaths: Watchers, Devotion
• Sacrifices: Silver, sheep

Solenna is the Goddess of the Sun, worshipped for blessing the fields with life and lifting the darkness of night. She is also venerated as a goddess of hope and happiness, and her clerics joyfully honor her by facing the path of the sun with their arms spread and raised above their heads. Her husband, Mondi, is the God of the Moons, though they are doomed to always be apart, except on the rare occasion of an eclipse.

• Solenna's symbol is that of a sun disk. Her associated colors are yellow and red.
• The center of Solenna's cult is the capital city of Venec in Togarmah. It is led by Patriarch Otho VI.
• Alignment: Neutral Good
• Domains: Light
• Oaths: Devotion, Redemption, Heroism
• Sacrifices: Wheat, chickens, candles, cattle

Morthanos is the God of Death and the Dead. Unlike the other gods, who dwell in the Heavens, he reigns from a palace in the Land of the Dead, where he rules over the shades of the deceased. However, he rarely returns to his throne, for he is busy collecting the souls of the fallen. Though many fear him (and usually refer to him simply as Death, lest he take the invocation of his name as an invitation), he tries to comfort the dead and dying, as his role is only a natural part in the cycle of being.

• Morthanos's symbol is a scythe crossed by a lantern, representing the two items he carries as he walks the roads of the mortal realm. His associated color is black.
• The center of Morthanos's cult is the city of Olarra in Taldameer. It is led by Matriarch Marisela III.
• Alignment: True Neutral
• Domains: Death, Grave
• Oaths: Watchers, Redemption
• Sacrifices: Incense, coins, candles, libations

Kerne is the God of War and the Hunt, governing both the pursuit of beasts and those of man. He traditionally takes the form of a musclebound man with the head of a stag (sometimes, particularly in southern lands, a bull), clutching a weapon in both hands, and he prizes valor and courage in battle. His priests often train in the fighting arts as much as they do in prayer, and his cult produces many paladins.

• Kerne's symbol is four weapons (swords, maces, spears, axes, etc.) placed on one another to form an eight-pointed star. His associated color is red, and he is also associated with bronze and iron.
• The center of Kerne's cult is the town of Keldrholt in the North. It is led by Patriarch Vidar I.
• Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
• Domains: War, Zeal, Blood
• Oaths: Conquest, Glory, Ancients
• Sacrifices: Iron, weapons, the first kill of a hunt, ale, mead

This is but a few of the major gods of the Lunar Lands. More to follow in a later post!