I Don't Like Languages

I don't think I've ever been in a D&D game that have used languages in a way I've been happy with. The most common way I've seen them applied is to have inscriptions that only PCs who can understand that language can understand...but then, picking languages when designing a character becomes a game of "guess what the DM is going to do," and if the languages everyone picked at character creation aren't the same ones used in the dungeon the DM developed, you're screwed. That, or the DM specifies what languages are going to be used in the campaign and has at least one player design characters accordingly, but that's not the best solution either - if the DM had to tell you what language to pick, then it's not really a meaningful decision. If it was that important, the DM could just have made sure everyone was able to understand whatever writing or speech was important to the puzzle they designed, and having it in a different language is just an extra step. The only time I could see this being useful is if one PC knew the language, but the others didn't, making it especially important to protect them to ensure that their knowledge could be applied - but, again, if that PC gets incapacitated, and future puzzles count on at least one PC knowing a given language, then the party is pretty much stuck.

Essentially, I can't think of any way to make language mechanics, at least the way they are in D&D, actually fun. And what's the point of playing a game, if not to have fun?

One way I've seen the problem addressed is to give characters a given number of language slots, but not having these filled in during character creation. Rather, when the problem of needing someone to read or understand a language comes up in play, a player could declare that their character would know that language and mark it off on their sheet. They can then understand that language going forward - but once all the slots on their sheet are filled in, they can't understand any more (at least, not without time for training). This avoids the problem of needing to guess what the DM is going to do, but some groups might find it contrived. Others might enjoy the opportunity for emergent discovery about the world and their characters that wasn't planned out at first. It's something that's going to vary from table to table.

In all honesty, I feel like languages shouldn't be handled by codified game mechanics at all. At the very least, I feel like they should be looser than the way D&D handles them. Rather than a list of languages to pick from at character creation, I would have languages be something that one could extrapolate from a character's background.

Under this assumption, players and DMs would work together to determine what languages a character could and couldn't understand as the question came up. Racial languages wouldn't be a feature of a given race statblock - it would be assumed that most dwarves could understand Dwarvish. However, a dwarf raised among humans might not, necessarily, while a human raised among dwarves could. Certain classes or backgrounds might gain accesses to languages as well, such as clerics being able to understand liturgical languages, or wizards knowing whatever languages are used to write about magic (think of all the Latin grimoires you see in fiction). Druids or elves might have access to the languages of animals, and be able to commune with them. If a character is to learn another language, they would need to find someone to teach them or get a translator, but it wouldn't be something tied to mechanical advancement, just progression in the narrative.

I forget where I first heard this story, and I can't verify its accuracy, but apparently this is how D&D used to work (or at least B/X D&D). In the old Mystara gazetteers, each region had its own language, with the assumption being that references to "the common tongue" meant the language most commonly spoken in the area a character was from. There wasn't a single language called "Common" - what "Common" meant varied from character to character, and if they later traveled to another area, they wouldn't necessarily know the language spoken there. But what languages a character knew differed from campaign to campaign.

Now, obviously, the idea of having a single universal Common language does have its benefits - it keeps things simple, so players don't have to worry about their characters being able to communicate with most NPCs. There are some DMs that find this more convenient. But what's useful about this approach is that is doesn't make any assumptions of the languages spoken within the setting, and allows DMs to customize the languages spoken in their world as they wish.

Some DMs might find it unrealistic that all beings would share a common language, or that it would be possible for people to learn the languages of extraplanar beings like Abyssal or Celestial so easily. With languages being handled by DM fiat, they wouldn't have to bring such assumptions into their setting. They could come up with different regional languages for the different parts of their world. They could have multiple racial languages, so that - for instance - one tribe of orcs wouldn't necessarily speak the same language as another. They could have multiple arcane or liturgical languages, which may be more or less common than others (think of the difference between Latin and Ancient Greek, for example) - I can think of some interesting game opportunities if the wizard finds a spellbook written in a language they don't know, and having to find someone to help translate it.

Of course, one could simply present the players with a set of languages for the campaign setting and have them pick from that, rather than the default list. But some players can be averse to being presented with too many unfamiliar options. By treating languages as something assumed about characters rather than tied to a specific build, you can streamline character creation by presenting players with fewer options, but also opening the door for new and interesting opportunities in play that may not have come up under the rules as written.